CONFIDENCE IN THE MAKING

The year 2011 was, well, a capricious one.  It was a year filled with seemingly constant change. At times it felt chaotic, at times disorganized, at times tumultuous, while at other times the change that occurred was positive and planned for, but still foreign and required adjustment.

Roget's thesaurus suggests that "capricious" could be equated with:

any way the wind blows, arbitrary, blowing hot and cold, careless, changeful, contrary, crotchety, effervescent, erratic, every which way, fanciful, fickle, fitful, flaky*, flighty, freakish, gaga, helter-skelter, humorsome, impulsive, inconstant, kinky*, lubricious, mercurial, moody, mutable, notional, odd, picky*, punchy, queer, quirky, temperamental, ticklish, unpredictable, unreasonable, unstable, up and down, vagarious, variable, volatile, wayward, whimsical, yo-yo

If you asked anyone who had frequent contact or interaction with me during 2011, they would attest to the fact that 2011 often seemed erratic, and some days definitely felt "helter-skelter," while at times some of the people we interacted with seemed to "blow hot and cold," and many situations that were thrust upon us seemed to be guided "any way the wind blows."  I cannot look back on the year and say that it was "effervescent" or "fanciful," or "whimsical!"  But I can recall times during the year in my own spirit of feeling "wayward" and "unstable."

I've mentioned before that I've never been a huge fan of change.  Even change that lends itself to positive end results is not usually embraced readily by me, at least in the beginning. I'm not so proud, however, that I can't look back and admit that good did come from something that I initially anticipated was going to be negative.  That's how I feel now about the last couple of years, but especially last year.  My husband and I recently drew up a list of all the changes, just within my business, that we went through in the past year.  Some were self-initiated, and some were imposed upon us without our consent or warning.  There were over 30 such situations that yielded significant change over the year...that amounted to one every two weeks, although most required weeks if not months before or after to research, initiate, or adjust to!  If you had told me a year ago what I would have to face in the course of the next year, I likely would have raised a white flag!

As I reflect on that list, I can say with all sincerity that here, on the other side not one of those significant changes ended negatively.  Now, that's not to say that there weren't extremely difficult periods, situations that were negative while we were in the thick of it.  They were.  They were painful periods.  Periods when I couldn't see how I was going to get through, or how they would end on a positive note.  Periods when I wanted to be anywhere or do anything other than what I felt stuck having to manage.  Yet, in the end, every instance of change resulted in us being better off for it, either personally or as a business on the whole.

My thoughts return to Psalm 118:5-6 (NIV) “When hard pressed, I cried to the LORD; he brought me into a spacious place. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” and Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  God did see me, my family, my business through a hard year when I often felt "hard pressed."  He did give us a hope and a brighter future.

Now at the precipice of 2012, I've taken a new attitude. I've jotted down the changes I want to see take place during the year and begun to look at the steps to make them happen, instead of fearing and avoiding change. Roget's indicates that the opposite of capricious is: constant, dependable, sensible, staid, steadfast, steady.  That's what I hope for in 2012.
I'm sure just like any other year there will be other changes, unanticipated changes, that will be thrust upon me.  Yet I hope to approach either type of change, that which I pursue or that which is forced, with constancy, dependability, and steadfastness, remembering that change very likely will end in a more positive position than where I started.  I stake my faith and my new-found confidence in Phillipians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Will you join me in embracing 2012 and the changes which will occur throughout the year?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF....

"What would you do, if you weren't afraid to fail?"

I've always found encouragement in that quote, perhaps because for me, fear of failure has nagged me like a gnat since I was a small child. I'd push those thoughts aside only for them to fly right back in, and buzz around my head until I was in a dither.

I remember being at a cross-roads in my life many years ago. I was through the academic portion of my training and ready to embark on the more exciting, hands-on experience...that part I had been eagerly waiting for. But in my field, that usually meant moving to the locale where you selected, and didn't often provide much opportunity to be picky if you were serious about staying in the field, not to mention get the best training. At that point I had been married 7 years. While we applied for internships locally, those opportunities were slim and didn't really fit my area of interest. And while we tried to find my husband possible jobs in the areas that I was applying, it would mean him finding yet another job a year later when internship ended and I had to apply all over again for fellowship. We planned and prepared and strategized until we were dizzy. No matter how many spreadsheets or matrices we came up with, we could never plan for all the possible "what-ifs."

What was not-so-affectionately coined "Bloody Monday" in the field (the "match" day when applicants were cut from consideration and sometimes left without a match, or hopefully were placed at a site where both the intern and the site felt good about the match) came and after six hours or so of waiting by the phone, talking with various interested sites, we finally ended up with a highly prized match placement in the field. But with that good news and excitement quickly came the reality that we would have a long-distance commuter marriage for the next year, only being able to rely on Southwest Airlines to pave the way to visit every six weeks or so. While I was excited about the opportunity, I was saddened at the reality that I would be living apart from the love of my life, as well as my family. I was going to be on my own, navigating my own path, exploring a new land by myself.

That was back in the day before cell-phones, text messaging, skype, and even before email was commonly known of. All our friends and family knew about match-day or Bloody Monday and consciously kept our phone line open for sites to reach me, all the while waiting eagerly to know my fate. After the deal was sealed and my husband and I knew where I would be spending the next year, we began to make the announcement phone calls, one by one, to all our family and friends. The reactions were mixed. Some were thrilled because they knew what a fabulous opportunity it was going to be for me training with some of the best in the field. Others were saddened because it meant a move for me...away from my husband, and away from them. And still others were angry with me for even considering a placement necessitating that I be away from my spouse. My own emotions were scrambled in there as well. I was excited! I was saddened at times and cried at the thought of leaving my home and those I cared so deeply for and leaving the familiar. As I've said before, I'm not a big fan of change, and Woah Baby! Was this going to top any change I'd been through before!! I had never been on my own before. I went from living at home with my parents to getting married and living with a husband. Now, not only was I going to live alone, but I couldn't get back home readily. I was a struggling student and we had to scrape together everything we could just to afford for me to live in a separate dwelling.

As I prepared to leave on what I decided to consider "my new journey", I came across a verse from the Bible that I couldn't recall having ever heard before. It was the verse that has since become what I affectionately call "my life verse."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) reads "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

There will always be uncertainty in life, yet God isn't uncertain. His will for my life is for good and not for bad. He has a plan that while I can't always see around the corner, I know I can trust. During the days when I felt lonely and alone, that verse brought comfort. It offered the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel."

That experience was many, many years ago, yet the principals have remained the same. If I let fear of failure guide my path, I will miss out on so many wonderful experiences and relationships. But if I trust that my path offers hope and a future, what do I have to lose?

What would you try if you weren't afraid to fail? I'd love to hear all about it!

CHANGE: The GOOD, The BAD, and The UGLY

I still cannot believe that it is already 2012! I've always heard that time passes more quickly the older you get, but this is ridiculous. I can still recall putting the Christmas decorations away from a year ago as if it were last week (perhaps because that's when we put this past Christmas's decorations away, but you get the point).

This past New Year's my oldest son mentioned needing to come up with his "New Year's Resolutions," and the couple he shared with me were quite laudable. His mentioning New Year's Resolutions got me thinking. It's been a few years since I seriously paid much attention to making my own resolutions. Perhaps because of the years of experience of failed resolutions: I'm going to lose __ pounds, I'm going to drink more water (last year's resolution, highly unsuccessful!), I'm going to get back to a regular, healthy sleep schedule (also last year's resolution, also unsuccessful!), I'm going to quit eating fried food (several years ago, and fairly successful), I'm going to exercise every day (several years ago, successful or not depending on what was going on in my life, which I guess in and of itself means not terribly successful), etc. etc. The idea of New Year's Resolutions is to make a promise to yourself to make a generally positive change from your old way of doing things. Some people are much more successful at that than others, but then I suspect it is all dependent on how far the departure is from the norm.

New Year's Resolutions really signify change. If I'm honest with myself and you, I'm not a huge fan of change. I usually like "the same old, same old." Whether we are talking about what I usually order at a restaurant (what if I try something new and don't like it? Then I'll really wish I had ordered what I know I always love!), or the brand of bathroom tissue (definitely has to be soft!), or when I send out Christmas cards (I know that one really bugs some of you, while the rest of you, come on, admit it, find some sort of comfort in knowing that you'll get the Bengtson card right after Thanksgiving to signal the start of the wonderful Christmas season!). Now while I don't usually seek out change, and generally don't prefer it, I do Usually come around and embrace the new idea, new item, new way of doing something.

I've pondered what it is that makes people either love and endorse change, versus those of us who are not the most comfortable with it. While I hate to admit it, I think when you boil it down, it all comes back to the need for control. Not that I really desire to control everything or everyone (too much responsibility!!), but sameness, a lack of change, may be equated with stability, predictability, and for many, that results in peace and comfort. Change suggests the opposite...instability, variability, unpredictability, maybe even chaos.

As I often explain to many of my patients, anxiety usually stems from a feeling of being out of control. Whether it is a fear of heights, or test-taking anxiety, or anxiety from being stuck in traffic and potentially being late for an important appointment or meeting, the anxiety comes because we don't feel like we are in control in those situations. A very common, albeit not incredibly adaptive means of coping with anxiety then is withdrawal. By withdrawing from the stimuli or the situation that breeds anxiety in us, the anxiety no longer has a reason to exist. I HATE snakes, and have what I would consider a healthy fear of snakes. I will never be the mother who has the reptilian (??) man come to her son's birthday party! By avoiding snakes, I don't feel anxious...the anxiety has no reason to exist. Unfortunately, withdrawal or avoidance doesn't usually prompt any adaptive coping mechanisms. If I always avoid the snakes, I don't feel the pressure to learn which ones are totally harmless and not to be feared versus those that I should be cautious around (or perhaps totally avoid being in their presence!!) So then, since I didn't learn about them, every time I encounter one I experience anxiety.

Change can, for many people, induce anxiety. It can prompt the endless loop of "What if?" questions. The problem is, you can never exhaust or plan for all the possible what ifs. But it all comes back to the lack of feeling in control.

As I get older, I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of embracing change. I prefer to be in control of what change I embrace, but the truth is, many times, no forethought, no planning, no "heads up" is available prior to significant change. At the office, where change occurs every day, often many times a day, I've tried to instill the philosophy in my staff of "Be Flexible and Modify." Just yesterday I was reminded of the motto "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape." We can't resist the change in the schedule...it's going to happen anyway, so go with it and modify accordingly. It creates less stress, and definitely less anxiety.

The year 2011 passed by so incredibly quickly, yet as quickly as it flew by, I personally endured a great deal of change in my life, as did my office, most of it not of our own choosing. Sometimes I embraced it quickly, problem solved and figured out what had to be done and did it, other times I was a little slower to come around, but for the most part, each one of those scenarios left me/us better than we had started off in some way.

So as I sit here at the start of the third week in January, 2012, I wonder what change I will encounter this year, both planned and that which is forced upon me. Do I "take control" and help decide what change I'd like to see? In essence, do I make any resolutions? Do I grab my fear and face it head on? By facing it head on and deciding what I'm willing to do about it, the anxiety has no reason to exist. So what have I got to lose?

I have heard a statistic (don't quote me on the exact figure) that less than 5% of people who set goals (a.k.a. resolutions perhaps??) meet them, and the difference between those who do make the change and meet their goals and those who do not, is largely impacted by whether or not those goals were written down. Those who put their goals in writing succeed to a much greater extent than those who don't. I'm going to go for it. Here in black and white for you all to see, I resolve to write more this year to build my craft and hopefully to encourage more people.

What change are you going to embrace to make 2012 a better year than last? Write it down. Let me know and I'll be cheering along with you!