THE DIFFERENCE A DECADE (OR THREE) MAKES

I was thinking recently of some of the ways I'm different now than what I was like as a child.  Some things haven't changed.  For example, my love of all things chocolate, caramel or peanut butter hasn't changed whatsoever (bring it on!!)  Conversely, my negative regard for brussel sprouts and cauliflower hasn't improved one bit over time either!  Nor has my height changed. I'm still somewhere between 4'10" and 4'11" depending on the day, my posture, my hairstyle, etc.  I haven't grown an inch since I was in the sixth grade.  How many times have I thought, "What I wouldn't give for that extra inch (or two)!"  Like that would make some significant difference in my life. 

While my height hasn't changed in three decades, my attitude about it has.  Now I'm more likely to appreciate that my petite frame makes it easier to dodge through busy crowds.  My perspective on other things has changed too.  Take friendships, for example.  As a child I thought "being popular" was important, and the longer my  list of friends, the better I was.  Now, I realize that having a handful of good, close, trustworthy friends, or even just one for that matter, is more special and rewarding. 

My reactions to certain circumstances has changed too.  When a crisis occurred, I was previously more likely to jump into the thick of things and react.  Now I realize that it is often better to slow down, think things over, and let a bit of time go by to see how things play out, as the crisis often lessens in strength and severity sometimes blowing over without any reaction necessary on my part.  While I never read the book, I can see how the best seller Don't Sweat the Small Stuff has become so popular!

By and large, I consider these changes to be positive.  It makes me wonder what other changes I'll experience over the next couple of decades.... or for that matter, even over the coming year!  What changes have you seen in yourself?  What changes would you like to see?

WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN, OR YOU THINK YOU CAN'T...

Henry Ford has been quoted as saying, "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."  


There is so much truth in that.  If I think I can do something, I am likely to try, and more often than not, with enough time, practice, perseverence, I can do what I thought was possible.  Yet, on the contrary, if I think I can't do something, I'm more likely to not even try, and in the lack of effort that results when I don't try, I do not become better able to accomplish whatever the task was that I believed myself incapable from the start. 

It amazes me how much our attitude affects our success, and how people view us.  I have lately been making a more deliberate and conscious effort to surround myself with positive people and to avoid those who lean toward negativity, because I can get wrapped up in their negativity and quickly become negative myself. Hence the saying, "Misery loves company." 


“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”  I don't recall when I first came upon "The Attitude" poem by Charles R. Swindoll, but every time I read it, I am reminded of how I must deliberately choose that which is right, that which is positive.  


This morning in Texas, it is stormy outside.  It has been raining, raining hard, for the vast majority of the past 12 hours and is predicted to continue for the next 12 hours.  It would be so easy for me to get irritable as a result: With our clay soil, the water has no place to go but to puddle above the ground's surface, which meant that water leaked into my garage and is running the length of the garage. I got wet just trying to load my car this morning, I got drenched by the rain as I made my way from the car to the office door.  I sit here typing while my pant legs are drip drying and my socks turn cold. I slipped on the tile floor just after I entered the office.  My son's cross-country meet, which I thoroughly enjoy, will be cancelled. Patients will likely be late because of the poor road conditions. Etc. Etc. Etc.  But I choose to be joyous and grateful for this rain.  We are in such a drought that grass is literally growing under people's boats because the lakes are so low that for many, where there used to be water, it is nothing but sand and weeds.  And because of a couple of days of rain, I will appreciate the sunshine all the more when it returns!

In Philippians 4:8 (NIV), we are admonished to take steps to make sure our attitude is right: "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Here's to expecting positive things to happen!

ONE OF GOD'S GREATEST GIFTS

In my estimation, I would have to say that friendship is one of God's greatest gifts. I just spend an extended weekend with a long time friend and it just felt like new life was breathed into me! It was comfortable and easy.  No expectations.  I didn't even have anything specific planned for her visit, some ideas, but nothing scheduled (which is a good thing because during our lunch on Friday I bit down into my delicious club sandwich only to have my molar cave it and result in several hours in the dentist's office for 2 emergency root canals and crowns!!) Definitely not something I had scheduled (or desired!!) but we rode that wave and the boys got some good quality time with her as a result!

As early as Genesis 2:18  The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (NIV)  God knew from the beginning of time that friendship, companionship was crucial for our existence.  The rapid proliferation of social media attests to our craving for social interaction, whether it be in person  or through text messaging, email, skype, telephone, etc.

Time spent with a friend is so powerful.  It can change our perspective, our mood, our attitude.  The Bible tells us that man was created in God's own image, having the very likeness of God (Genesis 1:27).  I believe this likeness extends across many facets.  Just as we in human flesh need companionship, so too does God. In fact, God created man for God's companionship.  He craves time spent with us. And in His word, He promises never to leave us (1 Kings 8:57).  At all times, but especially those when we are in need of a friend, we can count on Him to be there for us, as He promises in Proverbs 18:24 "...there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

For God's faithfulness, and for His gift of friendship, I am grateful.
I am grateful for YOU, dear friend!

Be Blessed,

HURTING PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE

I couldn't tell you when or where I heard it, but long ago I heard the saying "Hurting people hurt people."  In my line of work, I see many hurting people.  The trouble is, the kinds of wounds that walk through my door for the most part aren't physical.  They are emotional or behavioral or spiritual.  To a very large extent, those are the hurts that can be harder to deal with, harder to manage, harder to accept, harder to understand, harder to provide grace for. Why? Because they often aren't obvious.  They don't scream like a broken leg in a cast, "I'm hurt and in pain...be gentle around me."  They don't even whisper like eyes looking through glasses, "Be careful, for without my glass crutch I would be lost."

No, emotional hurts, pain, wounds are often not even recognized by the one suffering with them.  Those are the injuries that often get "shoved deep down" to "deal with" on another day, a day when it's more convenient.  Except, because they are shoved deep down and not glaring when one looks in the mirror, that more convenient day never seems to arrive.  And then, S*M*A*C*K!! Seemingly out of nowhere, the compilation of hurts and pain and wounds erupts one day...often in excess to the trigger that caused the smoldering volcano to spew, and probably just as often toward someone undeserving.

The Bible tells us in Luke 6:45 (NIV) "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

So all the pain, sorrow, rejection, humiliation, shame that we harbor in our hearts will eventually be spoken to someone else.

At one point this weekend I found myself frustrated and angry, and as I proceeded with my task I found the anger intensifying and I found myself role-playing in my mind. A game of charades in my thoughts, projecting my anger onto someone else.  Yet, no-one was around.  I was alone with my thoughts and with my heart. Yet even when I tried to focus on something else, the anger bubbled up within me.  As I silently asked myself "Why am I so angry?" That's when I remembered that "Hurting people hurt people."

Then plain as day it came to me, "I feel hurt." And the recipient of my mental charade of wrath was being directed at the person who had offended me.  Yet that individual was blissfully unaware of the anger that was dancing a duet without its partner.  And while sure enough, I felt hurt, I didn't like the feeling of anger within me.  I didn't want that to spill over my lips toward my offender or toward the innocent bystanders who happened across my path.

I went to church with a sorrowful heart.  Saddened that I would feel such ugly, vile feelings, and sadder still with the realization that because of the hurt I felt, I could inflict that pain on someone else.  Yet in that service, through the worship and scripture, I was assured that God had come to rid me of that wart of imperfection and to comfort my hurts.  I walked out of that service with a much softer heart.

CONFIDENCE IN THE MAKING

The year 2011 was, well, a capricious one.  It was a year filled with seemingly constant change. At times it felt chaotic, at times disorganized, at times tumultuous, while at other times the change that occurred was positive and planned for, but still foreign and required adjustment.

Roget's thesaurus suggests that "capricious" could be equated with:

any way the wind blows, arbitrary, blowing hot and cold, careless, changeful, contrary, crotchety, effervescent, erratic, every which way, fanciful, fickle, fitful, flaky*, flighty, freakish, gaga, helter-skelter, humorsome, impulsive, inconstant, kinky*, lubricious, mercurial, moody, mutable, notional, odd, picky*, punchy, queer, quirky, temperamental, ticklish, unpredictable, unreasonable, unstable, up and down, vagarious, variable, volatile, wayward, whimsical, yo-yo

If you asked anyone who had frequent contact or interaction with me during 2011, they would attest to the fact that 2011 often seemed erratic, and some days definitely felt "helter-skelter," while at times some of the people we interacted with seemed to "blow hot and cold," and many situations that were thrust upon us seemed to be guided "any way the wind blows."  I cannot look back on the year and say that it was "effervescent" or "fanciful," or "whimsical!"  But I can recall times during the year in my own spirit of feeling "wayward" and "unstable."

I've mentioned before that I've never been a huge fan of change.  Even change that lends itself to positive end results is not usually embraced readily by me, at least in the beginning. I'm not so proud, however, that I can't look back and admit that good did come from something that I initially anticipated was going to be negative.  That's how I feel now about the last couple of years, but especially last year.  My husband and I recently drew up a list of all the changes, just within my business, that we went through in the past year.  Some were self-initiated, and some were imposed upon us without our consent or warning.  There were over 30 such situations that yielded significant change over the year...that amounted to one every two weeks, although most required weeks if not months before or after to research, initiate, or adjust to!  If you had told me a year ago what I would have to face in the course of the next year, I likely would have raised a white flag!

As I reflect on that list, I can say with all sincerity that here, on the other side not one of those significant changes ended negatively.  Now, that's not to say that there weren't extremely difficult periods, situations that were negative while we were in the thick of it.  They were.  They were painful periods.  Periods when I couldn't see how I was going to get through, or how they would end on a positive note.  Periods when I wanted to be anywhere or do anything other than what I felt stuck having to manage.  Yet, in the end, every instance of change resulted in us being better off for it, either personally or as a business on the whole.

My thoughts return to Psalm 118:5-6 (NIV) “When hard pressed, I cried to the LORD; he brought me into a spacious place. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” and Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  God did see me, my family, my business through a hard year when I often felt "hard pressed."  He did give us a hope and a brighter future.

Now at the precipice of 2012, I've taken a new attitude. I've jotted down the changes I want to see take place during the year and begun to look at the steps to make them happen, instead of fearing and avoiding change. Roget's indicates that the opposite of capricious is: constant, dependable, sensible, staid, steadfast, steady.  That's what I hope for in 2012.
I'm sure just like any other year there will be other changes, unanticipated changes, that will be thrust upon me.  Yet I hope to approach either type of change, that which I pursue or that which is forced, with constancy, dependability, and steadfastness, remembering that change very likely will end in a more positive position than where I started.  I stake my faith and my new-found confidence in Phillipians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Will you join me in embracing 2012 and the changes which will occur throughout the year?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF....

"What would you do, if you weren't afraid to fail?"

I've always found encouragement in that quote, perhaps because for me, fear of failure has nagged me like a gnat since I was a small child. I'd push those thoughts aside only for them to fly right back in, and buzz around my head until I was in a dither.

I remember being at a cross-roads in my life many years ago. I was through the academic portion of my training and ready to embark on the more exciting, hands-on experience...that part I had been eagerly waiting for. But in my field, that usually meant moving to the locale where you selected, and didn't often provide much opportunity to be picky if you were serious about staying in the field, not to mention get the best training. At that point I had been married 7 years. While we applied for internships locally, those opportunities were slim and didn't really fit my area of interest. And while we tried to find my husband possible jobs in the areas that I was applying, it would mean him finding yet another job a year later when internship ended and I had to apply all over again for fellowship. We planned and prepared and strategized until we were dizzy. No matter how many spreadsheets or matrices we came up with, we could never plan for all the possible "what-ifs."

What was not-so-affectionately coined "Bloody Monday" in the field (the "match" day when applicants were cut from consideration and sometimes left without a match, or hopefully were placed at a site where both the intern and the site felt good about the match) came and after six hours or so of waiting by the phone, talking with various interested sites, we finally ended up with a highly prized match placement in the field. But with that good news and excitement quickly came the reality that we would have a long-distance commuter marriage for the next year, only being able to rely on Southwest Airlines to pave the way to visit every six weeks or so. While I was excited about the opportunity, I was saddened at the reality that I would be living apart from the love of my life, as well as my family. I was going to be on my own, navigating my own path, exploring a new land by myself.

That was back in the day before cell-phones, text messaging, skype, and even before email was commonly known of. All our friends and family knew about match-day or Bloody Monday and consciously kept our phone line open for sites to reach me, all the while waiting eagerly to know my fate. After the deal was sealed and my husband and I knew where I would be spending the next year, we began to make the announcement phone calls, one by one, to all our family and friends. The reactions were mixed. Some were thrilled because they knew what a fabulous opportunity it was going to be for me training with some of the best in the field. Others were saddened because it meant a move for me...away from my husband, and away from them. And still others were angry with me for even considering a placement necessitating that I be away from my spouse. My own emotions were scrambled in there as well. I was excited! I was saddened at times and cried at the thought of leaving my home and those I cared so deeply for and leaving the familiar. As I've said before, I'm not a big fan of change, and Woah Baby! Was this going to top any change I'd been through before!! I had never been on my own before. I went from living at home with my parents to getting married and living with a husband. Now, not only was I going to live alone, but I couldn't get back home readily. I was a struggling student and we had to scrape together everything we could just to afford for me to live in a separate dwelling.

As I prepared to leave on what I decided to consider "my new journey", I came across a verse from the Bible that I couldn't recall having ever heard before. It was the verse that has since become what I affectionately call "my life verse."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) reads "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

There will always be uncertainty in life, yet God isn't uncertain. His will for my life is for good and not for bad. He has a plan that while I can't always see around the corner, I know I can trust. During the days when I felt lonely and alone, that verse brought comfort. It offered the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel."

That experience was many, many years ago, yet the principals have remained the same. If I let fear of failure guide my path, I will miss out on so many wonderful experiences and relationships. But if I trust that my path offers hope and a future, what do I have to lose?

What would you try if you weren't afraid to fail? I'd love to hear all about it!

CHANGE: The GOOD, The BAD, and The UGLY

I still cannot believe that it is already 2012! I've always heard that time passes more quickly the older you get, but this is ridiculous. I can still recall putting the Christmas decorations away from a year ago as if it were last week (perhaps because that's when we put this past Christmas's decorations away, but you get the point).

This past New Year's my oldest son mentioned needing to come up with his "New Year's Resolutions," and the couple he shared with me were quite laudable. His mentioning New Year's Resolutions got me thinking. It's been a few years since I seriously paid much attention to making my own resolutions. Perhaps because of the years of experience of failed resolutions: I'm going to lose __ pounds, I'm going to drink more water (last year's resolution, highly unsuccessful!), I'm going to get back to a regular, healthy sleep schedule (also last year's resolution, also unsuccessful!), I'm going to quit eating fried food (several years ago, and fairly successful), I'm going to exercise every day (several years ago, successful or not depending on what was going on in my life, which I guess in and of itself means not terribly successful), etc. etc. The idea of New Year's Resolutions is to make a promise to yourself to make a generally positive change from your old way of doing things. Some people are much more successful at that than others, but then I suspect it is all dependent on how far the departure is from the norm.

New Year's Resolutions really signify change. If I'm honest with myself and you, I'm not a huge fan of change. I usually like "the same old, same old." Whether we are talking about what I usually order at a restaurant (what if I try something new and don't like it? Then I'll really wish I had ordered what I know I always love!), or the brand of bathroom tissue (definitely has to be soft!), or when I send out Christmas cards (I know that one really bugs some of you, while the rest of you, come on, admit it, find some sort of comfort in knowing that you'll get the Bengtson card right after Thanksgiving to signal the start of the wonderful Christmas season!). Now while I don't usually seek out change, and generally don't prefer it, I do Usually come around and embrace the new idea, new item, new way of doing something.

I've pondered what it is that makes people either love and endorse change, versus those of us who are not the most comfortable with it. While I hate to admit it, I think when you boil it down, it all comes back to the need for control. Not that I really desire to control everything or everyone (too much responsibility!!), but sameness, a lack of change, may be equated with stability, predictability, and for many, that results in peace and comfort. Change suggests the opposite...instability, variability, unpredictability, maybe even chaos.

As I often explain to many of my patients, anxiety usually stems from a feeling of being out of control. Whether it is a fear of heights, or test-taking anxiety, or anxiety from being stuck in traffic and potentially being late for an important appointment or meeting, the anxiety comes because we don't feel like we are in control in those situations. A very common, albeit not incredibly adaptive means of coping with anxiety then is withdrawal. By withdrawing from the stimuli or the situation that breeds anxiety in us, the anxiety no longer has a reason to exist. I HATE snakes, and have what I would consider a healthy fear of snakes. I will never be the mother who has the reptilian (??) man come to her son's birthday party! By avoiding snakes, I don't feel anxious...the anxiety has no reason to exist. Unfortunately, withdrawal or avoidance doesn't usually prompt any adaptive coping mechanisms. If I always avoid the snakes, I don't feel the pressure to learn which ones are totally harmless and not to be feared versus those that I should be cautious around (or perhaps totally avoid being in their presence!!) So then, since I didn't learn about them, every time I encounter one I experience anxiety.

Change can, for many people, induce anxiety. It can prompt the endless loop of "What if?" questions. The problem is, you can never exhaust or plan for all the possible what ifs. But it all comes back to the lack of feeling in control.

As I get older, I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of embracing change. I prefer to be in control of what change I embrace, but the truth is, many times, no forethought, no planning, no "heads up" is available prior to significant change. At the office, where change occurs every day, often many times a day, I've tried to instill the philosophy in my staff of "Be Flexible and Modify." Just yesterday I was reminded of the motto "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape." We can't resist the change in the schedule...it's going to happen anyway, so go with it and modify accordingly. It creates less stress, and definitely less anxiety.

The year 2011 passed by so incredibly quickly, yet as quickly as it flew by, I personally endured a great deal of change in my life, as did my office, most of it not of our own choosing. Sometimes I embraced it quickly, problem solved and figured out what had to be done and did it, other times I was a little slower to come around, but for the most part, each one of those scenarios left me/us better than we had started off in some way.

So as I sit here at the start of the third week in January, 2012, I wonder what change I will encounter this year, both planned and that which is forced upon me. Do I "take control" and help decide what change I'd like to see? In essence, do I make any resolutions? Do I grab my fear and face it head on? By facing it head on and deciding what I'm willing to do about it, the anxiety has no reason to exist. So what have I got to lose?

I have heard a statistic (don't quote me on the exact figure) that less than 5% of people who set goals (a.k.a. resolutions perhaps??) meet them, and the difference between those who do make the change and meet their goals and those who do not, is largely impacted by whether or not those goals were written down. Those who put their goals in writing succeed to a much greater extent than those who don't. I'm going to go for it. Here in black and white for you all to see, I resolve to write more this year to build my craft and hopefully to encourage more people.

What change are you going to embrace to make 2012 a better year than last? Write it down. Let me know and I'll be cheering along with you!

THE GIFT OF MEMORIES

Heavy sigh... The holidays are over. Christmas and New Years have come and gone, and we have started another year, 2012. Our visit with my in-laws was another one we will cherish. I love watching them interact with my family. My husband actually enjoys the tasks on his "honey-do" list when he has the company of his dad to visit with in the process...almost doesn't seem like work then (I did say "almost!") My boys love playing games with their grandfather...it's a time when win or lose doesn't matter nearly so much as the attention and the time together. My youngest son enjoys writing notes to his grandfather and drawing pictures for his grandmother. And they are always deeply saddened when it is time to say goodbye, especially when they don't know when they will see them again. Somehow it makes the miles between us seem greater without that future gathering to anticipate.

Yesterday when I arrived home from work my husband was puttering around the house while my father-in-law was concentrating intensely on something he was writing at the breakfast table. I heard him mention a few minutes later that he was working on his "blog" (I'm always first amazed and then secondly, proud, that he is so current with his technical knowledge and up to date with social media!) He was actually composing his note for our guest book that we keep in the guest bedroom for all who stay there to share their thoughts of the visit. I found myself getting excited, as I always do, in anticipation of reading his thoughts about their stay. One might think that it's out of a desire to be commended about the amenities (e.g. chocolate peppermint cookies with the chocolate drizzle, ebelskeivers for breakfast, the butler who greets them at the door (our shetland sheepdog) etc.) or being such good hosts (e.g. creating that "homey" feel for them when we remind them a bit of the comforts of home by letting them pour their own cereal or help with the dishes after the meal). But really, I've come to realize that it isn't that at all that fuels my feeling of joy in reading their written thoughts in the guest book. It's the anticipation of being allowed to share in their memory of a time spent together, a time that will be forever gone and never to be repeated except in the images conjured in our memory when review their thoughts about what struck them as important or interesting or encouraging about their visit.

As I realized that, I started to find my gratitude increasing for the wonderful gift God gave us when He created us capable of forming memories. In pondering what a remarkable gift that is, I recalled a slip of paper that I repeatedly come upon unexpectedly that my mother had written on. That in itself makes me smile, since my mother is no longer physically with us, I'm grateful for my memories of her. This is a tiny torn scrap of paper perhaps two inches high by five inches wide with her writing scrawled on it. I don't recall when she wrote it or why, but it was important enough to me when I received it that I have kept it for over a decade. On that slip of paper was written the quote, "God gives us memories so that we may have roses in winter." Just seeing her writing gives me a rose, and makes me smile as I remember times shared together. Just like when I read the thoughts contained by prior guests in our guestbook. Each one another special rose that together make a fragrant bouquet for those winter seasons in our lives.

So next time you visit us, or anyone who happens to have a guest book, I'd encourage you to take a few minutes to share of yourself...it's a small, free way of sending someone a rose in winter.